… maybe a sports bar, actually. My girlfriend and I were talking about it the other night, and the place would probably be soccer-themed. Because, as we all know, there aren’t enough soccer pubs out there to satisfy customers.
It would have all the big HDTVs and all that, it would get all the games – if you wanted to watch St. Pauli play MSV Duisburg – we’ll find a way to put it on TV for you. And no cover charge, I hate that crap.
Maybe we’ll have beer-sponsored corner flags with little taps on the top for people to get their beer quicker. Maybe some player appearances from the local club for people to get autographs, that sort of thing.
But of course, the most important thing would be the menu. I’m a big burger guy – anyone who’s seen me wouldn’t be surprised by that. So burgers would have to be the staple of the menu, along with the standard stuff like wings, nachos, and all that.
So maybe it would be good to theme the burgers up a bit, like the joint in Chicago that uses rock band names to gloss its burgers.
Feel free to submit your own ideas in the comments section below. If I use it later when the place opens, you’ll get your picture on the wall with your burger creation.
* The Ronaldo Burger: Comes with a double-sized plate, since the burger slides out of the bun and flops to the table just before you can take a bite.
* The Landon Donovan Burger: Two 10-ounce patties topped with 10 strips of bacon. Gotta have that pork fat.
Landon says hi.
* The Other Ronaldo Burger: Also comes with a double-sized plate, but that’s just because the burger’s fat and there’s more to clean up.
* The Chelsea Burger: A top-flight burger at a lofty price – don’t expect to sell many, but all come with celery. (which, when researching this, brought me to this lovely paragraph from The Guardian more than two years ago:
And yes, I know the real scary part might be that I researched some of this.
* The Arsenal Burger: A burger so lean, if you turn it sideways, you might not even see it.
* The Manchester Burger: You have your choice here … a winning burger whose taste suddenly goes south at the site of a Burnley jersey – or our newest addition to the glamour menu, topped with Argentine spices and checking in at a cool $187,835,888.86. Comes with Blue Cheese on the side.
* The Real Madrid Burger: Nevermind, you can’t afford it and neither can I. And between you and me, it’s only the second best burger in Spain anyway.
* The Max Bretos Burger: Hearty and cooked with flair, it’ll always leaving you yelling, “YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.”
* The Brian Dunseth Burger: The number 12 burger on our menu for our number 1 restaurant which will probably be inhabited by fans of everyone from the number 1 Jon Busch to the number 99 Jaime Moreno.
* The Christopher Sullivan Burger: Often compared to the great Spanish burgers of the 1950s.
* The Chris Albright Burger: For DC fans only, and only available on Open Cup matchdays.
* The Juan Carlos Osorio Burger: Delivered to your table in between the pages of a tiny little notebook. Tends to stick around in your stomach longer than necessary.
* The Seattle Sounders Burger: So over the top, it makes you feel like there were no burgers in the world before you ate this one.
* The Clint Mathis Burger: Five patties with relish to remember his five-goal game in Dallas many years ago – served with a side of Cool Ranch Doritos.
The Mathis with all the extras, minus the Doritos.
* The MLS Burger: Loved by quite a few, but not favored by those who gush for European burgers.
Anyway, that’s a start. I’m thinking it’s going to be a big menu, so feel free to contribute below.