So, I was thinking of opening up a restaurant …

… maybe a sports bar, actually. My girlfriend and I were talking about it the other night, and the place would probably be soccer-themed. Because, as we all know, there aren’t enough soccer pubs out there to satisfy customers.

It would have all the big HDTVs and all that, it would get all the games – if you wanted to watch St. Pauli play MSV Duisburg – we’ll find a way to put it on TV for you. And no cover charge, I hate that crap.

Maybe we’ll have beer-sponsored corner flags with little taps on the top for people to get their beer quicker. Maybe some player appearances from the local club for people to get autographs, that sort of thing.

But of course, the most important thing would be the menu. I’m a big burger guy – anyone who’s seen me wouldn’t be surprised by that. So burgers would have to be the staple of the menu, along with the standard stuff like wings, nachos, and all that.

So maybe it would be good to theme the burgers up a bit, like the joint in Chicago that uses rock band names to gloss its burgers.

Feel free to submit your own ideas in the comments section below. If I use it later when the place opens, you’ll get your picture on the wall with your burger creation.

* The Ronaldo Burger: Comes with a double-sized plate, since the burger slides out of the bun and flops to the table just before you can take a bite.

* The Landon Donovan Burger: Two 10-ounce patties topped with 10 strips of bacon. Gotta have that pork fat.


Landon says hi.

* The Other Ronaldo Burger: Also comes with a double-sized plate, but that’s just because the burger’s fat and there’s more to clean up.

* The Chelsea Burger: A top-flight burger at a lofty price – don’t expect to sell many, but all come with celery. (which, when researching this, brought me to this lovely paragraph from The Guardian more than two years ago:

And yes, I know the real scary part might be that I researched some of this.

* The Arsenal Burger: A burger so lean, if you turn it sideways, you might not even see it.

* The Manchester Burger: You have your choice here … a winning burger whose taste suddenly goes south at the site of a Burnley jersey – or our newest addition to the glamour menu, topped with Argentine spices and checking in at a cool $187,835,888.86. Comes with Blue Cheese on the side.

* The Real Madrid Burger: Nevermind, you can’t afford it and neither can I. And between you and me, it’s only the second best burger in Spain anyway.

* The Max Bretos Burger: Hearty and cooked with flair, it’ll always leaving you yelling, “YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.”

* The Brian Dunseth Burger: The number 12 burger on our menu for our number 1 restaurant which will probably be inhabited by fans of everyone from the number 1 Jon Busch to the number 99 Jaime Moreno.

* The Christopher Sullivan Burger: Often compared to the great Spanish burgers of the 1950s.

* The Chris Albright Burger: For DC fans only, and only available on Open Cup matchdays.

* The Juan Carlos Osorio Burger: Delivered to your table in between the pages of a tiny little notebook. Tends to stick around in your stomach longer than necessary.

* The Seattle Sounders Burger: So over the top, it makes you feel like there were no burgers in the world before you ate this one.

* The Clint Mathis Burger: Five patties with relish to remember his five-goal game in Dallas many years ago – served with a side of Cool Ranch Doritos.


The Mathis with all the extras, minus the Doritos.

* The MLS Burger: Loved by quite a few, but not favored by those who gush for European burgers.

Anyway, that’s a start. I’m thinking it’s going to be a big menu, so feel free to contribute below.

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41 thoughts on “So, I was thinking of opening up a restaurant …

  1. note on the MLS burger, 80 percent of the Patty is donkey meat or meat past it’s freshness point, since all the good meat is shipped out to make other burgers.

  2. The Kaká burger: One monogamous patty cut from a cow that was not touched until it found the right butcher. Image of Christ toasted into bun with “halo” Onion on top. Kid’s meal comes with a “Buddy Christ” action figure.

  3. USMNT Burger: You never quite know what you are going to get; one day it’s what you would eat everyday for the rest of your life, others you want to scrape your tongue with the bottom of your shoe to get the taste off. Regardless of the quality, 70% of the customers will demand the chef be tarred and feathered.

  4. The problem with the ArsenalBurger is that, although it’s the best-looking burger on the menu, the bun seems to break down regularly, and I’ve seen some of the fries break clean in half and not heal for a year. Luckily for ArsenalBurger supporters, the chef ‘didn’t see it’ and thus can’t comment.

  5. The Fred Burger – It either makes lots of lazy runs or dances around in your stomach and never passes. Either way, it’s a bad time.

  6. The Adu slider: A small, skillfully made burger, but there’s barely any meat. Located on the Kids Menu. The taste isn’t that bad, but the hype the restaurant gives the burger is undeserving.

  7. Do I have to be the one?

    And for dessert?

    A big ol’ plate of LandyCakes! Sweet on the outside and soft in the middle.

    And the Adu Burger: Nice to look at, but the meat is much older than we claim it is.

  8. the Santino Quaranta: made from cows that once grazed in fields with harmful pesticides, then towards the prime of their lives were moved to happy, pesticide free pastures

  9. I’m surprised that the Arsenal burger didn’t indicate that the only condiment used is French dressing (and lots of it, too).

  10. The Beckham Costs 6.5 million dollars and only a quarter of it is served to you (which is rancid and broken down) the rest is served to a table full of guys from Milan who rave about how great it is, but refuse to split the bill. It’s served with side of rancid beef jerky with gross globes of silicone and fish lips that sings horribly.

  11. The Guti: It’s been on the menu for years, made of the best local ingredients. Some rave about how good it is, but still nobody is willing to try it.

  12. The Fulham: Despite being on the same part of the menu as the Chelsae burger, it’s nowhere near as good or as popular with Brits. Being one of the oldest menu items, the meat almost went bad but it was rescued by using Egyptian spices bought at Harrods. Served with plenty of American Cheese, which makes it inexplicably popular with Americans.

  13. I’m surprised Mr. Archer has not added the Edson Buddle Hat Trick burger. A triple decker that only appears on the menu once a year. Maybe twice, but you will never know which day it shows up.

  14. Got for it!

    You will have a lot of business if you advertise on the Spanish radio stations that you will be showing Mexican Football League.

  15. The Napoli burger – topped with buffalo milk mozzarella, tomato, olive oil, and basil. Served to you approx one hour after you order it, and you don’t get your drink until you’ve started eating the thing. Guaranteed to not sit well in your stomach if mixed with any northern Italian dishes.

  16. You forgot the DC United burger — tough to look at because it’s put together and executed with apathy because the goddamned team doesn’t seem to give a shit about anything every time they trot out onto the field and can’t muster even the tiniest bit of interest in playing soccer and DAMMIT I am frustrated at watching a team that seems to care less than I do and mails it in, and I don’t expect them to win, but can they at least CARE, and GODDAMMIT ********ING BULLSHIT.

    I’m sorry, what were we talking about again?

  17. Selección Mexicana Burger – Onions & Jalapenos diced and mixed into the hamburger meat. All the fixings including cream cheese, jalapenos, guacamole with a dash of Guadalajara Tapatio hot sauce. A very spicy burger guaranteed to kick you in the nuts!

  18. the mourinho: on its own menu, comes in a glittery wrapper, but is really just a patty and bun, no sides, and has sat under the heat lamp for days. still, it always seems to satisfy one’s hunger if not one’s tastebuds.

  19. The Spanish National Team: The beef is top quality, the buns make pundits swoon, the veggies are so crisp and fresh that it raises the hopes of a nation. Altogether the burger is usually thought to be the best menu item, but it seems to always fall apart when a little pressure is put on it. It’s only been served properly in 1964 and 2008.

  20. The Sepp Blatter Burger: The beef comes from bloated, liver spoted cows. The veggies are wilted and foul, nobody seems to like it, but it’s a big seller, specially among poorer patrons of the restaurant because it comes with a $50 bill taped to the plate.

  21. the hiddink: cooked in a baine marie, and served with gouda. always tasty, but the condiments and toppings are sourced from a different corner of the globe about every other year.

  22. the zidane: recently replaced on the menu by the messi. was always the most-ordered item on the menu, but was prepared with rancid meat the last time it was served, and as such left everyone with a bad taste in his mouth.

  23. the fat ronaldo: everyone loves the idea of this burger but is afraid to order it because it’s difficult to tell if the recipe includes animelles, which would make for an interesting story to tell the cops.

  24. The Alan Shearer: a legendary burger brought back to he menu on the insistence of geordie patrons. They claimed it would save them, but they ended up choking on it instead.

  25. The West Ham: a classic menu item that has a long rich history, but has been ignored on the menu lately. Only time anybody gives it any thought when it’s served with a heaping topping of Millwall Chilli, when it becomes known as a Bloody Mess.

  26. So good, it doesn’t even look like it tries when it is served in the United States. Served with a side of Nacodoches Nachos.

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