One of MLS’s Great Mysteries Solved

So, I lead a rather unspectacular life. I have a lot of time on my hands these days, and as part of that, I’ve decided it would be good to get out an exercise more – good brisk walks and some of the many trails in the area. I want to still be around for the 50th anniversary season of MLS.

Yesterday, I was walking around, dodging thunderstorms, and something caught my eye off to the side. I was hoping it was money – because I always hope that someday I’m going to find a couple bucks dropped along the trail, or maybe a suitcase from a wise guy with stacks of 100s in it (OK, I have an active imagination) … but it wasn’t cash. It was a little notebook.

I guess I can see why it was thrown out. All the pages had been written on. Some coherent thoughts scrambled among lots of scribbles. There was even a diagram of what looked like a 2-7-1 soccer formation. I couldn’t really make heads or tails of that.

It didn’t seem to have much use. That is, until I looked inside the back cover and saw some printed type.

“If found, please return to Juan Carlos Osorio, c/o New York Red Bulls.”

Where is my notebook!!!

Finally – the world gets to find out what the embattled New York coach has been writing down during games! Just how do you go from the MLS Cup final to 2-9-3 and a career on life support?

Let’s find out. Here are 10 random entries I selected, in no particular order.

1) Jorge Rojas is very tired after his 35 minutes vs. Houston. Pity about the red card. He will be too tired to start the Open Cup qualifier in DC. Cannot risk him, even with two games off after. Must be careful.

2) I don’t understand these results. As defending MLS Cup finalists, didn’t the league guarantee us 10 wins?

3) 6/7/09: What a marvelous first half. We have the Revs right where we want them … Dammit!

4) Wow, Tom Soehn’s tactics are so much better now than in 2007. I wonder how he does it.

5) Alfredo Pacheco is the world’s next great defender.

6) Christiano Ronaldo, Frank Lampard, Lionel Messi, Dane Richards. I don’t see how they put Lampard in that class.

7) Be sure to tell media that 2-9-3 start is all part of my plan. I just wanted to get all the losses out of the way early. We will win the East.

8) I want to play that Wolyniec more minutes but I can’t. That gray hair – he must be 60 years old. He’ll pass out if I play him more than 14 minutes at the end of the game. Must not take a chance.

9) To do on Monday:

1. I hear we used to have great players named Guido and Branco – find them.
2. Create account at … just in case.
3. Talk to Don Garber about my brilliant plan to only play San Jose and Real Salt Lake 15x each season.

10) (4/26/09) Finally! This will be the win that turns everything around. We finally have beaten DC United! Our hundreds of fans here today will be very proud. [90th minute] … Oh, that’s bad. Well, Luciano Emilio is a great player, not our fault.

OK, so we will get a tie. This is a good result, it’s not a loss. I’m happy. [91st minute] … WTF? WTF? WTF?

So … needless to say, it was a surprise to me. How it got to be discarded along the side of that trail, I’ll never know. But I think I’m going to have it framed. Whenever I open my soccer-themed sports bar, it’ll make a nice talking point years from now when Osorio is nothing more than a footnote in the ever-growing roster of New York coaches to come and go.


3 thoughts on “One of MLS’s Great Mysteries Solved

  1. LOL. Read it twice.

    How much do you think it’d go for on eBay? I’d shell out 10 bucks, if only for the inevitable “F U, Pietravallo”. And the Wolyniec cartoons.

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